I Love You Ryan Reynolds – A Valentine’s Day Special by Ami Schiller
82% on the Tomatometer. This is what my life has become. Check every step, make sure of things, get approval, avoid disappointment, seek perfection. I call bullshit, for nothing is perfect. Although something may be seamless, or it may seem more or less.
Here’s what’s amazing with genius Hollywood. It’s become a recycling center. A recycling center that thinks it can reuse and recycle and sell for top dollar…and for the most part-it can and does. Such a hit-or-miss business, yet everybody’s buying so you should too, right?
The Tomatometer is my bible. ‘Cause my time is worth something. You wanna spend 200 million making some fucking sparkly pony, but I dunno, I just don’t like ponies that much. I want a stallion.
Enter Ryan fucking Reynolds. The magic bean. We’re talking more hits than misses. What I’m saying here folks, is that normally, I don’t bat an eye at 82% fresh tomatoes. I need mine zesty too. I try to avoid anything below 95% Fresh Tomatoes, because folks, life is to damn short. Well, I wasn’t sure what to expect for Deadpool just based off of an 82% marker. But I do know a thing or two about wild cards, and Ryan Reynolds is just that. He is the doubling factor on any manufactured scale.
He’s got stage presence like you wouldn’t believe, I mean his mouth running like a locomotive, and I don’t mean in a Chris Tucker kinda way, but in a good way, more of a Kevin Hart sort of…well not really. I guess what I’m saying is Ryan Reynolds holds up shit like an I-beam, sorry bad example. What I mean to say, is that single handedly he can even and a heck of a lot more.
He’s basically like an attention whore. But a very, very good one. I mean a whore is still a professional , right? So a professional attention whore, will make you look and become mesmerized every time.
Deadpool was seamless. It was a sparkly pony and a car wreck at the same time. It was badass. Seriously felt like 99% Fresh Tomatoes, fuck it, more like 100%, I’m going to live a little. If you liked Reynolds’ performance in the movie Blade:Trinity, you’ll have no disappointment here whatsoever. Ahh, wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world with no disappointment? This movie only confirmed what we already know- that Ryan Reynolds is a marquis, superhero playing, type cast mothafucker!
Once I was at the 3rd street promenade in Santa Monica, walking around, enjoying the plethora of amazing ass all around me, Butt I digress, in between all the ass-vision, I mean street performers, I came upon a paraplegic in a weird-ass attire (seemed homeless, I dunno, lots of folks look like they could be homeless) with his miniature star performer, a Capuchin monkey. This wasn’t an act, basically, it was scandalous: if you wanted a picture of the monkey, you had to give a dollar. Then the monkey trots over, and graciously takes the dollar (or quarter) out of your hand (we’ve all seen this, yes?) kind of like the IRS does, but it’s not as cute, and you don’t get to take a picture. Ryan Reynolds is not the paraplegic in this scene, he is the Capuchin monkey. Eyes peeled, you just can’t look away, and you want to be friends with the monkey and cuddle it (I can keep going…). Ryan Reynolds is an entertaining A-list, superhero monkey, type cast Motha.
So know your role. Ryan Reynolds certainly does. I’ve said enough, go see Deadpool.