Okay, so my brother covered this a bit already, but I really want to vent about this too because it just isn’t right. You have probably noticed a lot of talk about sequels and reboots, et cetera. But it can’t be all that bad, right? Take a moment to go look at this IMDb list of upcoming films, right here.
Go ahead, go take a look. I’ll wait.
Okay, welcome back. Notice any patterns there? All but two or three of the listed films are A) a sequel, B) a remake, or C) a game-to-film adaptation (none of which have yet to do their parent game justice, I might add — aside from the adaptations of really bad games like House of the Dead, which of course did its parent material all the justice you could reasonably ask it to do).
I will grant you that this is not an exhaustive list of all the movies coming out over the next few years. Obviously this is only a portion of them. But really, what else is going to fill out this list? A large chunk of inane comedies, a bunch of kids’ movies (many of which will likely be based off of long-dead cartoons from the eighties), and a slew of dramas that may or may not be worth shelling out nine bucks. For my part, I don’t bother spending cash on dramas–I wait for them to hit Netflix. I only spend money to see movies in the theater that I know will be enhanced as a cinematic experience (but that’s a whole other article).
My point is essentially that while this list is not comprehensive, it includes the meat of the next few years’ movies. I mean, really. A fourth Mad Max film? It’s been twenty-six years since we were occularly raped by Tina Turner’s hair. And you’re rebooting Hellraiser? What? Fuck you. Fuck you, person who pitched that idea to Hollywood. Fuck you right in your stupid face.
You might notice that one stings a bit more than the others. Frankly, I thought the fact that they were remaking The Crow, one of my all-time favorite movies as a teenager and still one of my all-time favorite graphic novels, would be the remake that pissed me off the most. Don’t get me wrong; I still want to kick everyone attached to that project in the dick. But Hellraiser and I have a very special bond.
See, I was five years old when I first saw that movie. Yes, five. My brother used it as one of his many big-brother methods of torture. It came in at a very close second place in his Methods of Torturing Little Nathan; it was narrowly beaten out by my brother pinning me down and farting on my face. (Seriously, Nick, what do you eat? Your gas could melt flesh and corrode ferrous metals.) As weird as it sounds, that horrifying event didn’t traumatize me, but rather made me curious about horror films in general. It’s now my second-favorite film genre after fart fetish porn.
Hmmm… Now that I think about it, there might be a connection there.
Regardless, I’ve watched so many films and franchises from my childhood fall apart under the Hollywood treatment over the past couple of years. First Michael Bay ruined Transformers for me (the first film was tolerable, but Revenge of the Fallen was not only awful, it was also incredibly racist; Mudflap and Skids were the worst examples of stereotypes I’ve seen in years). Then G.I. Joe happened. Thank the gods I never got into The Smurfs as a kid or I’d probably be hitting myself in the head with a brick until I gave myself a mean subdural hematoma. (That’s when your brain bleeds out inside your skull, for those of you without a Word-A-Day calendar.)
Are there even any reasons left to go to the movies anymore? I mean aside from The Avengers, of course. Obviously that one is a given. Joss Whedon directs? Yes please. Then he can get the fuck back to making Firefly come back, and my nerd-gasm will be complete.
There are a couple intriguing prospects on the horizon, though. Ridley Scott is going back to making science fiction with Prometheus, and about fucking time. Noomi Rapace is starring, and for those of you who haven’t seen her in the films from Stieg Larson’s novels, shame on you. Go watch them right the fuck now. She’s brilliant, and I can’t wait to see her in a new role. Also, Scott’s apparently pulling an Abrams and keeping a lot of the info on this movie pretty close to the chest, which only makes me drool for it more. Sonofabitch knows how to stir up a crowd.
There’s a few other hopefuls too; I’m interested to see how Daniel Radcliffe fares in his first post-Potter role (outside of theatre, that is) in The Woman in Black; the sci-fi flick John Carter looks like it may be pretty badass; and the immensely talented Tom Hardy will be starring in the period piece (hehehe) The Wettest County in the World (oh sweet baby Jeebus, it’s like God hand-picked that sentence just for me), co-written by none other than Nick Cave, of all people. That alone piqued my interest enough to go see it.
I guess there’s a few gems in the near future. I just wish there wasn’t so much inane shit to dig through to find them. On the plus side, I don’t think Uwe Boll’s making anything this next year, so I guess there’s a silver lining there.
Oh, wait. Never mind.